“Let me know if you need anything.”
A moment of brutal honesty: I grew to despise that phrase over the course of Will’s cancers and after his sudden cardiac arrest.
I know that the people who said it were well-meaning. They wanted to help, but maybe didn’t feel confident about how to approach it. Maybe they were afraid of saying the wrong thing. Maybe they didn’t even know where to begin. Doesn’t it make the most sense to, well… ask?
Here’s something to consider: it’s natural for you to be overwhelmed by the situation, but it’s important to remember that the co-survivor is feeling that too – but multiplied infinitely.
Someone they love is in crisis. They’re fielding calls from family, managing logistics they’ve never handled before, and trying to keep the “normal” parts of life (school, work, kids, etc) moving. All while they’re probably functioning on very little sleep.
I could barely figure out baseline functioning while I was in the depths of dissociative PTSD following Will’s cardiac arrest. I didn’t even know where to begin when people asked me to figure out what they could do.
How Trauma Burden Affects Co-Survivors
When we’re experiencing trauma like a loved one’s medical crisis, our brains are tasked with so much. We’re trying to manage:
- Complex medical information that can change by the hour
- Phone calls and conversations that require eighteen pieces of information we don’t have
- Becoming an action news reporter for the rest of the family, who are frantically asking for updates on what’s happening
- Holding ourselves together enough to make potentially life-altering decisions
Figuring out where to direct someone is a task in itself, especially if it involves giving specific instructions and details. Responding to “how do I do that?” texts or calls can run you ragged. There’s a level of cognitive dissonance that leaves some co-survivors feeling guilty for being overwhelmed by someone’s attempt to help them.
But you care. You want to help. How do you take action that meets your intention? In my experience, here’s what actually helps: stop asking people to identify what they need. Instead, identify what you can do, and do it.
The difference isn’t about being generous. It’s about where the cognitive work lands. While vague offers place the onus of decision on the co-survivor, specificity helps to remove decisions from their plate. A scared brain can’t process “anything”, but it can handle “Tuesday at 6.”
How To Flip The Context – And Offer Help That Doesn’t Overwhelm
Try reframing your offer as something tangible and direct, with specifics included. We might not have the bandwidth to process a to-do list, but we can easily say “yes, please” or “no, thank you” to something when the steps are laid out for us.
If you want to talk, you can always let me know.
Let me know if I can help with groceries or anything.
Do you need help with stuff around the house?
Would it be helpful if I texted you on Sunday morning to check in? No need to respond unless you want to. Whatever’s comfortable. ?
I’m going to the grocery store tonight. I can grab you some milk, bread, and eggs and drop them off on the way home. Does that sound good?
I know housework can be overwhelming, so I wanted to let you know I’m free on Tuesdays and would love to lend a hand. Would you like me to swing by at 6:00 pm? I can bring dinner!
Important caveat: within all of this, you must a) consider the context of this person and your relationship with them, b) establish that they’re comfortable with your involvement, and c) affirm that you’ll always respect their boundaries.
In my experience, normal rules go out the window for a person dealing with crisis – but I understand every person and every relationship is different. You might not speak this way to a work acquaintance, but it’s acceptable with a dear friend. Or, if you know that a dear friend really values their alone time, you might make sure there are times where you won’t bother them.
The key here is replacing vagueries with specificity. We’re swapping “let me know” for “I’m going to” – you will do x action at x time, if that’s okay with them. It’s not about taking away their agency. It’s about providing real relief instead of putting the co-survivor in the position of having to ask.
Why Direct Communication Matters For Co-Survivors
Speaking from experience, asking for help is one of the hardest things to do when you’re trying to hold it all together on your own. We just need to know that there’s concrete support we can cling to, without having to build it ourselves. And at the very, very least, a text or card that says “Thinking of you. No need to respond.” can be so meaningful without implicitly adding extra work.
No patient is an island. Their loved ones are carrying a heavy burden, but they shouldn’t have to bear it alone. Frameworks and tools like these can help you provide that additional support in a way that resonates. That’s why I will continue to share them widely. Together, we can lighten the load so no one feels isolated in their struggles.
If this blog post resonated with you or taught you something useful, I’d love for you to follow me on LinkedIn. I post almost every day to start thoughtful conversations about:
- Being human in a healthcare system that prioritizes profit over personhood
- Mental health, burnout, and the stories most people haven’t heard about working in healthcare
- Co-survivorship, trauma, and meaning-making
- Psychology and communication frameworks for healthcare
- Nuance, dark humor, and the occasional well-earned side-eye
I hope to see you there. ?
